(Sorry this is long... It feels good to talk about it, but I am too tired to highlight it. Sorry.)
I don't know if it's the same for people without sleep disorders in the narcolepsy family, but anticipation completely overwhelms me.
Ever since I was a kid, when I was really excited about something, I'd be unable to sleep or eat for days, and I'd be constantly exhausted and unfocused. When I was in third grade, my family told me we were going to Disney World (the only thing on my bucket list at the time), and before I could even be happy I was going, I felt this overwhelming emotion that I didn't know the name of. It was anticipation. I had a terrible time dealing with it, and it turned into anxiety from residual effect when I returned home. But the morning we left for Florida, a strange thing happened to me - I got "the shakes." It hadn't occurred to me that there could have been any relation between the shakes and my sleep disorder until I saw another person post something on a narcolepsy forum and they called it "the shakes" too.
Basically, the morning that we left for Florida, our parents woke us up much earlier than normal. We were all packed, and just needed to eat breakfast and go. It was unusual for all of my family to be together first thing in the morning. Everyone was running around doing last minute things, and as I tried to eat my breakfast, I was shivering uncontrollably. I tried to make it stop, but it was completely involuntarily, and not just a small shake like when your hands aren't steady out of fear. It was like I was shivering from the freezing cold even though I was completely warm. When my mom noticed that I was shaking, she asked what was wrong. The only reply I could think of was, "I'm cold." After a few minutes of being wrapped in a blanket (in April), my mom realized this wasn't normal. She very nearly canceled the trip because we couldn't figure out what was wrong, and it seemed like a pretty serious thing. Once we got on our way, I guess I got distracted, and my shakes subsided. We went on our trip as scheduled.
It didn't happen again for about another ten years. When I was a teenager, and boys started coming into the picture, I got super "nervous." Before I had my first kiss, there was a guy who showed some interest in me for what seemed to me to be a very prolonged time. As we interacted more and more, the "nervousness" grew. Maybe a couple weeks of this (and no official confirmation that the boy liked me) the shakes began. It was pretty intense, I would shake at home by myself, and even when I was around him. I'm sure I tried to play it off like I was cold, but no one bought it. Eventually that guy decided he liked someone else, and I got over it. But I always thought what I was feeling was "nervousness." It wasn't quite as bad for my actual first kiss, though, because the build-up for that was only a couple of hours. I do think I shook a little, though.
Now that I've been learning about narcolepsy, I'm starting to realize that this is anticipation. That, laughter and grief seem to be the biggest causes of cataplexy in those who have narcolepsy with cataplexy. (Cataplexy is when your muscles stop working and you "pass out" usually due to an emotional response.) So now I am starting to wonder if the connection between intense anticipation and "the shakes" are somehow stemming from my sleep disorder. Or is it just the case that anyone who experiences too much anticipation will shake uncontrollably.
Another reason this is on my mind is because this is the first time I am feeling intense anticipation since my diagnosis. The other day, a guy who I am very interested in indicated that he might be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. We have been flirting back and forth a ton, and he is a major tease (not revealing his feelings, and purposely trying to keep me guessing). In some ways I enjoy this game because of the adrenaline rush I constantly have, but I am starting to wonder if I am headed toward "the shakes." He's got me feeling like a teenage girl again (I'm 32). The thing is, that I am aware that his games are causing a serious increase in my anticipation. While I do very much enjoy the rush, I may not be able to tolerate it much longer.
The last relationship I was in was very straight-forward. There were no games in the beginning - I knew exactly what we were doing and where we were headed. The relationship lasted a little over a year and was very much characterized by flat emotions. This was actually really good for me - exactly what I needed. Before that (about 3 years ago), I decided I did not want the drama of all the intense emotions I brought with me everywhere anymore. I was a drama queen and I was ready to change my life. Now I'm relatively drama-free, and I think that is largely due to the quiet emotional state I have been enduring for some time.
So, the question is, what do I do now? I am uncertain about getting involved with someone who can get me this riled up this easily. Should I inform him that I have something similar to narcolepsy and that anticipation kills me? Part of the problem is that I had decided not to date for the next two weeks until after I took the comprehensive exam for my Master's degree (I didn't think this would be a problem, as I have been on exactly one date since February). So I have 2 weeks left of intensifying anticipation during which I need to be cramming information into my head like there is no tomorrow? Maybe I should just get together with this guy, and kiss him once and for all! End the initial anticipation! But usually the whole beginning of a relationship is wrought with anticipation of what may be next. I'm screwed!
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